MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN:

All monologues on this page are the exclusive property of the author(s)

All monologues copyright Todd McGinnis (Except * copyright T. Gregory Argall and Todd McGinnis)

 

Monologues from...

"POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

1) "THE TWO FACES OF SINCERITY WEEKS" SINCERITY on her cell phone 

Edited/Excerpted POINT OF VIEWING  by Todd McGinnis  ACT 1

(Comedic)

SINCERITY

(On her cell phone.) MARLA! (Beat.) Oh, don't give me "What time is it?", Marla. I know it's early. But if I have to be up so do you. (Beat.) Marla? (Beat.) MARLA! (Beat.) You're doing it again. (Beat.) ...Talking. ...You were just talking again, weren't you Marla? (Beat, waiting for an answer.) Weren't you, Marla? (Beat.) Yes. You were. And we both know that's not what I pay you for, is it, Marla? (Beat.) ...No. It isn't. Oh, and hey ---now that we're on the subject, Marla--- just what is it that I pay you for again? Come on Marla, this is an easy one... (No answer, so, prompting...) I pay you to...? (Beat.) "Listen!" That's right. Very good. Now let's just practice that a little shall we? Are you ready Marla? Good. You agent. Me TV Star. THEY very bad people who call TV Star in the wee wee hours of morning and say TV Star must get out of bed early and REDO show she already DONE! And why? Because she do something wrong? No. Because bad people with computers make boo boo. ---Are you with me so far, Marla?--- (Beat.) Good girl. Now at this point in the story our TV Star is very, very sad. She not want to get up early to redo show she already done. But, as luck would have it, TV Star is also very sweet girl: never say "no"; always willing to pitch in and never asking what's in it for her. And do you know why she is that way, Marla? (Beat.) That's right Marla: Because she doesn't want people to think she's a bitch. No. ...She wants people to think YOU'RE a bitch, Marla. And THAT'S the OTHER THING she pays you WAY TOO MUCH FOR! You follow? Now get out your megaphone and don't--- hang on. I've got a beep.

(Sincerity hits a button on her phone to pick up the other line.)

(Answering, very sweetly.) Hello? Sincerity Weeks... (Beat.)(Rolls her eyes in annoyance but manages to keep her tone unbelievably sweet and warm.) Oh, hello, Janine. I was so hoping you'd call. I've been wanting to call you but I lost your number. My little electronic daytimer-thing ---what do you call those again?--- (Beat.) Of course! "Palm pilot." Anyway, mine just went Kaa-PLOOEY! I lost everything! Appointments. Phone numbers. Reminders. Everything. But I do know why you're calling and I've been trying to get an answer for you about my availability to host that benefit dinner of yours. Unfortunately, my agent is right in the middle of trying to set up a really big deal for me that might conflict with your benefit and she won't give me the go-ahead to commit to you until she's finished negotiations. You see... (Suddenly, confiding.) Janine? Can you keep a secret? (Beat.) Good. Because I wouldn't want you to think I was trying to duck out on you. The truth is, the deal my agent's trying to put together, well, it's so hush-hush she won't even tell me much about it. But if I said the words: "Movie" and "Tom" would you have an idea what I'm talking about. (Beat.) SHHH! Ja-nine! You said you could keep a secret! (Suddenly coy.) Besides... I didn't necessarily say it was that "Tom", did I? (Beat.) Good girl. So anyway, I hope you understand why my agent's making it a little difficult for me to push her on this. (Beat.) And you don't hate me too much? (Beat.) It's very sweet of you to be so understanding, Janine.

(Sincerity rolls her eyes and mimes "gagging" herself by sticking a finger down her throat.)

Listen Janine, have you still got my agent's number? (Beat.) Good. Now, I know it probably seems like I'm just giving you a runaround but ---I'm being very honest with you here, Janine--- Marla's honestly more in charge of my schedule than I am. So what I need you to do is give Marla a call and just keep bugging her until she gives you an answer. Will you do that for me, Janine? Because I really want be there for you. But I need you to get me there. Okay hon'? (Beat.) (In a sudden "rush".) Oh! I'm sorry, hon'. They're calling me to makeup. I have to go! Promise you'll call Marla, okay?

(She hits the "hang-up", then takes a calming breath before getting back to Marla.)

Okay, Marla. I have no idea what I was saying. But the bottom line is this: YOU are horribly, horribly offended that these jerks just expected me to come running back in here to cover their mistake without so much as a word about compensation. In fact, you are so outraged that you won't give them a moment's peace between now and air-time until they've named at least two outrageously high numbers. That clear enough? (Beat.) Good. Oh... And that woman from the hospital is going to be calling you about the benefit. You're negotiating a big secret deal for me so you can't possibly free me up unless she can pay full guest-speaker rates. Got it? Oh... and Marla? Find out how she got my number and make sure it doesn't happen again.

(Sincerity hangs up, blows out a breath of tension and slips the cell phone into a pocket.)

2) TABITH SMILEY "SHE'S AFTER MY JOB"

Edited/Excerpted From Act 1 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

(Comedic)

SMILEY

(To the person offstage right.) Yes, Iris! I see you. I'll be there in a minute. (Drains her coffee. Then, to Sincerity.) And: No. I'm not bitter. I just don't see why she got the plumb job of hosting our Tenth Anniversary Pre-show Interview? They couldn't get somebody a little higher-profile than her? I mean, we are national... Hell, we're international tv stars! We've been Number One in our time slot for almost all of the time we've been on the air. What's the Stick ever done? [Besides...] I don't "think" she's after my job. I know it. I keep my eyes and ears open. You know she's sleeping with Terry. How did you think she got her own show last fall? Talent? [Of course, they pulled it after three episodes but still. That’s all the more reason] why Terry needs to find something else for his love-muffin to do. And why go to all the work of trying to create and sell a new show when you can just make a little room for her on a top-rated show that you already own? Of course, it won't happen overnight. No. You have to do these things carefully, little by little, you have to make sure that it all happens quietly. That way Britanny can get what she wants, Terry can keep on getting what he wants... for as long as he wants. Everybody's happy. (Beat, a wicked, musing smile begins to show.) Unless of course, the boys in "post" screw up so badly that you have to put a woman who has nothing to lose ---the woman you're trying to ditch--- on the air... in a live tv broadcast over which you have little or no control. Then things might not go quite so according to plan. Maybe I'll go BALLISTIC on the air!?! Huh? How would that be? Maybe I'll just go NUTS and tell the whole world what these ungrateful, back-stabbing creeps are up to? HUH!?! HOW 'BOUT THAT!?! HOW WOULD THAT BE!?! (Beat. (Beat, the fantasy loses its charm, wind goes out of her sails.) Or maybe... I'll just behave like a professional and get on with things since there's nothing I can do about it anyway. [If I complain] they can accuse me of trying to poison the working atmosphere and I'm gone. Freak out on the show? Unprofessional conduct and I'm gone. Either way, I'm gone. (Smiley notices the "return" of Iris offstage.) Oh look who's back? What the matter, Iris? Did you miss me? (Smiley heads for the exit, then stops and turns back, about to say something else but apparently silenced before she can do so by the continued glare from offstage. She turns back to "face" Iris, planting a fist on one hip and glares right back.) Oh you so don't want to give me that look at this hour of the morning, Iris. (Beat.) I'm warning you, woman: I am only three coffees into a six coffee morning...

 

3) SINCERITY’S CONCERN FOR HER ACCOUNTANT’S MENTAL HEALTH

From Act 2 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

(Comedic)

SINCERITY

Suit yourself. (Then, into her phone.) Put Martin on. (Beat. Then suddenly sweet.) Hi Martin. It's your favourite client. (Beat.) I know this is your home number, Martin but I just couldn't wait. I was worried about you. (Beat.) Yes Martin. I was worried about that little drug problem of yours and I was just wondering how it's going? (Beat.) Well, let me try to refresh your memory. Do you remember that invoice you sent me recently? (Beat.) Okay. That's good. Your memory isn't totally gone...

Now, Martin, do you remember the invoice amount? (Beat.) Oh you do? So I guess you also remember that it was a little high... (Beat.) Well, Martin, when I say "a little high"? I guess what I mean is: You must have been high when you came up with that number. What're you, on crack? Is that it? (1/2 Beat.) Martin, I'm saying this for your own good: That invoice was clearly a cry for help from a sad pathetic mind in the grip of some terrible addiction. If you thought for one second that I was going to pay your ridiculous hourly rate for work that very clearly wasn't even done by you--- (Beat.) ...No it wasn't. (1/2 beat.) No it wasn't. (1/2 beat, then suddenly ominous.) Go ahead, Martin... Make me say it just once more... I dare you.

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: At this point in the play, someone passes through the room, distracting Sincerity from her phone call for several long silent beats. For monologue performance purposes… Sincerity now takes a long beat away from the phone call to do something else. ----Suggestions: chew some aspirin; take a drink; check her makeup; signal for another drink; telegraph her disgust with the food that’s been brought to her and send it back; blow kisses and mime an enthusiastic greeting to someone she really can’t stand who just happens to be passing by, etc.---- When she is done, she returns her attention to the phone.]

Hmmm? (Beat.) No Martin, I didn't hear a word you said, I wasn't listening to you. Which is probably the only reason you're still my accountant. Now, here are the possibilities: One. You got one of your junior chimpanzees to do the work and you signed off on it without checking it thoroughly. Or Two. You did the job yourself five minutes after you became a total mental retard! Now which is it? (Beat.) ...Shall I take your stunned silence as an admission of guilt? Okay then. Here's what you're going to do Martin: You're going to go back through that return and you're going to find all the mistakes that I found and you're going to correct them. Then you're going to send me a whole new return with a whole new invoice for a whole lot less money. In exchange, I won't fire your ass and bad mouth your good name to everyone I know. How's that sound? (Beat.) I thought you'd like it. You are now free to hang up.

4) TABITHA SMILEY’S RANT ABOUT TV EXPERTS & POP-PSYCHOLOGISTS

From Act 2 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

(Comedic)

SMILEY

You know what the problem is with you ["Experts"?] You take some totally ordinary, mildly annoying or inconvenient human characteristic and you attach a name to it and suddenly... BOOM! You've identified a BIG SPOOKY SYNDROME!!! Like... a fat kid who gets no exercise and spends the whole day eating potato chips and Oreos isn't just "fat", is he? Oh no! He's got "Narco-Lethargic Snack-itus SYNDROME!". Ooooo! Or a kid who hasn't been outdoors in a month and won't sit still doesn't maybe just need some fresh air and exercise. No way! 'Cause that kid's got "Interio-Phobic Hyperactivational SYNDROME" RIGHT? OOOOOOooo! So now we all have to be SCARED of the BIG BAD SYNDROME!!! And why? Because some total nobody, like you were, who's trying to establish a name for himself so he can build his practice... well... he's written dozens of articles about this HUGE NEW PROBLEM in some pseudo-credible rag like... I don't know...

(Smiley pours herself a drink.)

Time or People or… Maclean's. And of course, because this is just ordinary, everyday reality for a lot of people, you have no problem finding lots of "tragic case histories" that you can trot out on shows like this one. And the next thing you know? Everybody's looking over everybody's shoulder, wondering if this person has this "syndrome" or that person has that "issue" and what should they do about it? Well, what CAN they do? I guess they have to call the EXPERT, don't they? And that's the idiot they read in the paper or saw on tv talking about this thing they never even knew was a LIFE-SHATTERING CRISIS until he told him it was.

(Takes a sip of her drink.)

(Aside.) OOO! Look! I've got I-FELT-LIKE-HAVING-A-FREAKIN'-DRINK SYNDROME! OOOooo! How will I LIVE!?! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! So now, our expert has a thriving practice ---which he's never at because he's too busy attending symposiums and conferences--- and the talk shows have something to buzz about between commercials, and the chemical companies have scads of new pink and yellow pills to sell, when all our "Video-game-ADDICTED, Hyperactively-Manic-Depressive, Chronically-Obese case of Attention-Deficit Disorder" really needed was: a piece of fresh fruit; a whack on the ass; twenty minutes of fresh air and movement; and a dictionary so he could look up the meaning of the word "NO"!

 

5) TABITHA SMILEY, ON-AIR, DEFENDS HER LATE HUSBAND AGAINST A TABLOID SMEAR-STORY

From Act 2 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

(Dramatic)

SMILEY

(Picks up the tabloid newspaper.) As most of our viewers probably know, my husband Phil died six years ago. (Trying to stay composed.) He had an inoperable brain tumour. We only had three years together. We married a year after we met and then a little more than a year later we found out... (her control slips a little.) ...We found out that he was going to die. (Through tears.) It was... very hard. You have no idea. Watching him... (She literally waves the rest of that thought away, unable to complete it.) And all the while he was so brave and so decent and so... funny and all he would do was worry about me.

(Smiley breaks down… It takes several moments to recover and carry on.)

Near the end, came the personality changes. The doctors had all warned us. Me. His parents. But then, one night. About a month before he... (Chokes up.) ...Anyway, it was really bad. He just went raging around the house like he was possessed and when I tried to stop him he hit me. Several times. Quite hard. Like I said he was... It wasn't really even him anymore. And then, two minutes later, he was this crying, terrified little boy who couldn't remember his own name and he needed me to hold him. And I did. I never told him what had happened. Because it wasn't him. And he couldn't have lived thinking that he'd hurt me like that. (Holds up the paper.) This story says that my husband was abusive. That he beat me up. And that is a lie! My husband was the best person I ever knew in this world. And it hurts me more than I can tell you that because of this story, planted by (points at Sincerity) my friend, there will be people in the world who will carry my husband's name in the same thought with the word abuser.

 

6) TV-STAR/TALK SHOW HOST SINCERITY WEEKS COMES CLEAN

(Edited and excerpted) From Act 2 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis

(Dramatic)

SINCERITY

["Why would I deliberately plant a story in the tabloids about my husband and how his many… infidelities have humiliated me?"]

Well… Have you read Machiavelli? I suggest you do. The Prince is a great place to start. It has to do with appearances being more important to people than--- (Stops herself and cups a hand to her ear.) Oops. Here that, Doc? That's the sound of nearly a million people changing the channel. Well, we can't really blame them can we? (In a Southern U.S. drawl) We don't go in much for that fancy book learnin' these days! Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I did it so no one would suspect me. Well, that and I was kind of hoping to piss off my husband.

[Oh, but that’s still not explanation enough for you is it? Oh no. "Inquiring minds want to know…" What kind of person does something like that in the first place?"]

Well, that's easy. You take an edgy, gutsy, smart, talented, headstrong, ambitious woman and you throw heaps of money at her for pretending to be not quite so smart or gutsy or ambitious but... (Adopts her TV persona for a moment.)...Really enthusiastic (Back to herself.) instead. And you have her do that five days a week. Oh and don't forget... (Persona again, dabbing at tears that aren't there.) ...sensitive. Oh yes. So sensitive. (Drops the act.) Make me wanna puke. Anyway, after awhile she gets bored. And worse yet, she starts worrying that she's turning into this thing she plays on tv. Unfortunately, she's also quite used to the money and the influence celebrity brings so there's no way she's going to just quit and do something meaningful with her life. So she starts looking for something to hold her interest. Turns out, she finds money interesting. She likes making it and making it grow... and given her husband's lack of interest it's about the only thing she can make grow. So that's what she does. She schemes and she plans and she invests and god help the person who gets in her way because she's a big fan of Darwin. There. How's that? Everyone feeling enlightened now?

 

Monologues from...

"THUNDERBOLTS AND DUNDERHEADS" by Todd McGinnis

 

7) HERA, QUEEN OF THE GODS DISCUSSES HER MARITAL PROBLEMS 

Edited and excerpted from Act 2 of "THUNDERBOLTS AND DUNDERHEADS" by Todd McGinnis

(Comedic)

HERA

(Complimenting Iris, Goddess of Rainbows on her efforts to prevent Zeus --Hera’s husband--- from following through on his planned "romantic" conquest/infidelity with a visting goddess.)

I must say... you did that rather well ...Keeping yourself alive for a little while longer, I mean. (Filling her cup.) After all, there he was, about to stroll off with that... (Can't find the word, lets it go.) ...only moments away from sealing your fate and suddenly... you have him postponing his little "rendez-vous" as though it was his idea. Not for long, of course, but still... impressive. You must show me how you do that sometime. I mean you really must. Or I'll destroy you. (Beat.) Do you want to know what the real problem is? I'm the Goddess of Domestic Bliss! Happy homes and healthy marriages are my territory. And I can't even make my own work! (Sighs.) One day I'm the happily-married "Queen of Gods", the envy of earth and heavens, with a perfect, loving, devoted husband. The next? I'm threatening to rip the wings off Hermes when I find out he's carrying a love note from my husband to some shepherd-girl! Not that it was Hermes's fault, of course. He just naturally thought the letter was for me. But it was an honest mistake and he felt so bad about it ---He's been really sweet to me ever since, just trying to make it up--- so I never told Zeus how I found out. Oh! And if you ever tell anyone--- (Makes a threatening gesture suggesting she’ll destroy Iris.)

(Sighs.) Anyway, that's how things are: He cheats... I get angry and accuse him. He denies it... I fill his bathtub with poisonous vipers and scorpions. It's a vicious circle.

 

8) IRIS, GODDESS OF RAINBOWS REVEALS HER AMBITIONS

(Edited and excerpted) From Act 1 of "THUNDERBOLTS AND DUNDERHEADS" by Todd McGinnis

(Comedic.)

IRIS

(Confiding.) Rainbows aren't really as fascinating as most people think.

(Nodding.) It's true. Sometimes... it's even dull. [I mean,] "rainbows" is mostly working "in-the-field" you know... Long periods of time, hanging around on horizons, waiting for rain. And THAT's the problem! Being "in-the-field" for so long I've lost touch with what's really going on. Anyway, that's why I asked to see Zeus. I need to be here at "head office", where the action is! Give my image as a goddess a complete make-over. It's time I started getting the same respect all the other gods take for granted. I want... (Her eyes widen as she enthusiastically envisions her dream.) I want... Whole cities of people afraid to make a move in case they incur my displeasure and I crush them… That's why I need Zeus to promote me. I want to take on some new powers, add a whole new dimension to what people think of me. Something cool like Iris... Goddess of Volcanoes! Or Terrible Storms or... Or Exploding Fish! ...or something. Well... That would sure put the fear of Me into them, wouldn't it? I mean there they are, ordinary little mortals home from a nice day at sea... They sit down for dinner, go to take a nice big bite of tasty fish and… POW! That's the fish exploding. Oh! But don't worry! I'd still do rainbows. I just want to... you know, add value to what I do. I would never leave Zeus short-handed. Maybe you could mention that when you tell him I'm here?

 

Monologues from...

"SELF-HELP FOR DUMMIES"* by T. Gregory Argall and Todd McGinnis

 

9) CHASTITY TELLS THE STORY OF HER "ONE & ONLY"

(Edited and excerpted) From Act 2 of "SELF-HELP FOR DUMMIES"

by T. Gregory Argall & Todd McGinnis

(Comedic.)

CHASTITY

When I was twelve years old, I had to walk through this little park every day on my way home from school... [And] there were these mean kids who had started hanging out in the park. They'd been giving me a bit of a hard time. Calling me names. Chasing me. Knocking my books out of my hands. So, I started taking a longer way home. But this one day it didn't help. I was taking a cut-through between two streets. I was only a couple blocks from home and suddenly, there they were at the other end of the path. I remember thinking, actually thinking about turning around and going all the way back to my old route. But that would have taken so long and my Mom would have been mad at me if I got home that late. So I decided, "No, I'm going this way. Maybe they'll just leave me alone this time." Of course, they didn't. They pushed me into the mud at the edge of the sidewalk, they kicked my books around. And then one of them grabbed my charm bracelet. I tried to stop him ---it was a Christmas present from my Grandmother--- but of course, it broke. And that was it. I started to cry. I sat there in the mud and covered my head and started to cry. And then, all of a sudden I heard this other voice. I looked up, and there's this boy, standing between me and the bullies. He's not as big as they are but he's standing in their way and he won't move. I couldn't hear what he was saying over my own crying but the next thing I knew the bullies were running away and he was helping me to my feet. He picked up my books while I picked up the pieces of my charm bracelet. Then he did the sweetest thing, he walked me all the way home to make sure I got there safely. I know it sounds corny, but all the way home I just couldn't stop looking at him. I mean, here was this boy, he'd rescued me and now he was walking me home, making sure I was safe, like my own knight in shining armour. And that was when I realized he was my "one". I just knew it somehow. I was sure of it. (Beat.) [Anyway], a week later there was going to be a school dance... And I just knew I'd see him there. I spent the whole week worrying about what I should wear. My Mom finally helped me to pick out this really nice blue dress. But then, on the night of the dance, I ripped one of the seams when I was putting it on. My Mom had to get out the sewing machine to fix it. So I was a little late getting to the dance. I couldn't wait for him to see me, in my new dress. 'Cause I knew that when he saw me, I mean really saw me, he'd know that I was the "one" for him just the same as he was the "one" for me. (Beat.) He never showed up. And I never saw him again. Over the next couple of weeks I looked for him in the halls at school. But I never saw him. I asked around until I found out that his family had moved. I was never able to find out where. ...Ever since then... I've had this problem. No matter how attractive I find a man, as soon as we start to... get close, I start to panic. What if I met my "one" when I was twelve? Who knows? He could walk back into my life tomorrow. Then again, what if he wasn't the "one"? What if waiting for the wrong "one" keeps me from being able to recognize my real "one" when he does come along? (To Jerry.) You at least had time with the person you thought was your "one". You got to find out that she wasn't. I found the person I thought was my "one" but then I lost him. I never had the chance to find out if I was right.