MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN FROM...

KNAVE OF HEARTS

by Todd McGinnis

LADY BANNIGAN

(Unaware of Jack's presence and prattling a mile-a-minute.) HENRY! What's this I hear about your having offered your daughters in marriage to some strange soldier?

(Prattling, very quickly.)_At first when Katherine told me how you were attacked on the road I almost fainted dead away with worry. But then when she told me that either she or Mary are to be given in marriage to some common soldier, and that the arrangement with the young lords Dunstable is broken... well, I just had to come and see if you had suffered some sort of injury. (She begins inspecting him, searching for evidence of a head wound.) Were you hurt, dear Henry? Did you bravely mask the injury from your daughters to spare their feelings, knowing all the while that the injury done you would soon rob you of your senses? Oh, my poor, brave, noble, dear, broken-headed Henry! I don't know what I shall do now that you are lost to me... (Begins to sob hysterically, then turning away from Henry suddenly notices Jack for the first time. She stops crying and is immediately composed.) [EDIT]

Oh, Captain Hawkins. Thou hast my eternal gratitude for thy valorous deed and more if thou should forgive my ill manners.

(Suddenly reliving the shock.) I suppose my fear that something horrible had happened to my dear Henry must have blotted all sensible thinking from my mind. How else can one explain that I did not weep with joy when Katherine and Mary told me the great news: that one of them will soon become the bride of the brave hero who saved them both. (A big, gushy sigh.) Imagine! One of my sweet babes will take the hand of her very own Galahad! Hast thou decided which thou wilt marry?

...Not that thou couldst go wrong with either one of course. They're both so bright and beautiful, and dutiful... in their own special ways. (To herself, thinking it through.) Of course, Katherine is the elder and naturally the more headstrong of the two. (To Jack, concerned she's given a bad impression.) Did I say "headstrong"? I meant "spirited". But she can run a household and will make the great man fortunate enough to marry her even greater still. Not that Mary wouldn't be just as good a choice. Don't be deceived by her meek nature. She can accomplish much with few words. Oh, forgive my prattling on. I'm just so excited.

LADY BANNIGAN

(Suggestively to Jack.) I am certain that if anyone can guide my gentle brother to a deeper understanding of the feminine heart, it would be thee Captain Hawkins.[Edit]

What a pity thou art so reluctant to wed. I can think of a woman who would be a perfect match for thee... [Edit]

Indeed, this nature of thine makes me sad for thee, Captain Hawkins: To make great... study of feminine virtue while resisting the embrace of its substance.

[Still… Captain Hawkins…] (Tantalizing.) It may be the key to thy great good fortune...

(She edges closer, deliberately flirtatious.)

Well, Captain Hawkins, if I may appeal to thee... to thy gaming nature... I would make thee a wager as well.

Come Captain Hawkins... thou art a gaming man... art thou not game enough for a simple wager with a simple woman?

I do but wager for a good cause as you have. And as I am widowed and not without means, I find this gaming has a certain thrill to it. Well, Captain Hawkins? Wilt thou hear my wager? There is a pouch of gold attached...

'Tis simple enough as I said. As thou hast claimed an understanding of the feminine nature, so do I claim that the course of male desire is as predictable to me as that a mountain stream will flow downhill. From this knowledge, it is my wager that before thou dost take thy leave of us... (suggestively.) ...a certain woman of the Bannigan household will have possession of thy heart, freely given. Thou shalt be wed. And... (edges closer to Jack.) A certain woman shall be wed in accordance with the desires of her simple and whimsical heart.

That is all. Have we a wager?

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