MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN FROM...
IN-SECURITY: An Alarmingly Romantic Comedy
by Todd McGinnis and T. Gregory Argall
A BAD DAY: Linda tells co-worker Ted about her bad day.
(Dramatic)
LINDA
Well... I got home from work last night the locks had been changed and there was a notice on the door from the landlord saying the rent hadn't been paid. Only I knew the rent had been paid because I gave Ronnie first and last month's rent when I moved in. So I went down to see the landlord but he refused to let me into the apartment unless I paid him the three months worth of rent that's overdue. And I don't have that kind of money because I've spent almost everything I had moving here and redecorating the apartment to the way we wanted it. (more sobs, then recovering) So I called Ronnie, because he's still on tour trying to find out what we could do about this and then he tells me he's glad I called because it saved him the trouble of calling me. It turns out he didn't actually pay the rent with the money I gave him, after all. He used it to buy a new guitar.
(Starts to cry then gets it quickly but barely under control again.)
No wait. That's not even the worst part.
Because then he tells me that he's been sleeping with one of the backup singers and he really thinks they're right for each other so maybe we should break up. (beat, then looking at Ted) Maybe. He actually said "maybe". So there I am, all alone in this stupid city, I've got twenty dollars on me, no cash in my bank accounts because I still haven't got my first paycheque from this place and what little cash I do have is in an envelope in the apartment with my credit card so I can't even get a hotel.(Linda loses it, breaking down even as she utters the last words.)
CAN'T WAIT FOR SURPRISES: Linda confides her weakness to Ted
(Comedy/Drama)
LINDA
OH! No WAY! You can't do that! [You can't just say you've got a surprise and not tell me what it is!]
...You don't understand. You have to tell me now. I can't wait for surprises! What did you get? Please please please please pleeeeeeeaaaase? Awww, c'mon! Tellmetellmetellmetellmetellme! (mock threatening.) Okay, mister. You have no idea who you're dealing with here. I think you need to tell me. Now. You know what I started doing at Christmas time when I was seven years old?When I was a kid I could never sleep the night before Christmas. I couldn't stand the suspense and I couldn't stop thinking about it. But then by Christmas morning I'd be so tired I couldn't really enjoy anything. So, when I was seven, I took matters into my own hands. I realized the only way I was ever going to get any sleep and enjoy the day was to end the suspense. So I would wait until everyone, even my dad was asleep for sure. And then I'd sneak downstairs with tape and scissors and I'd make little surgical incisions in the wrapping until I could figure out what was inside. Then I'd patch the cuts so cleanly no one ever knew.
[I know what you're thinking. "What if somebody wrapped something in an unmarked box? Well...]
(Intently, matter-of-fact) My Dad shaved with a straight razor in those days, and I knew where Mom kept the wrapping paper. Sometimes I had to rewrap entire gifts exactly as they had been wrapped in the first place. But I was like a gift-wrapping savant. I could copy anybody's style.
[Oh yeah.] My Mom's: absolutely pristine, no wrinkles, sharp corners and edges, minimal use of tape always placed at precise right angles. My Dad's: even angles on the ends, but always the tape was on an angle and the package edges would always have dents and wrinkles in the paper because he handled things too firmly. My brother's: sloppy in every way, but consistently so.
[And do you want to know how old I was when I stopped doing this? Well that's easy. I never did.]
I told you had no idea who you were dealing with. Now will you please tell me? Or do I have to resort to drastic measures?
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IN-SECURITY will soon be added to Todd McGinnis's catalogue of published plays. (by Oct 1, 2009) TO BROWSE/ORDER FROM THE CURRENTLY AVAILABLE CATALOGUE... CLICK HERE EMAIL ALL PRODUCTION & / OR RIGHTS INQUIRIES TO: info@playingafterdark.com |