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HARRISON Look, who's kiddin' who here? The lawyer told us how much we're getting. And it wasn't much, was it? It wasn't nearly what I figured the old guy had to be worth. Now I don't know what Old Scrooge did with the rest of it but I'm hoping that by the end of this fiasco I'm gonna find out that he had a huge stash hidden away in a Swiss bank account or something. I'm here for the same reason as you guys: to find out what I might get out it! Or if there is anything left to get. So you can lay off with the "respecting our dear-old-sainted- father's-final-wishes" crap. He was a pushy, controlling old jerk. Now, maybe you've got nothing to complain about 'cause after all you got the farm handed to you on a silver platter--- [OH! I know. I know. You "bought and paid for that place", right?] Yeah. And the value of the real estate alone has practically... what? Doubled? Tripled? ...In the last fifteen years? So I guess that was a real hardship wasn't it? But neither of us ever had the chance to "buy" our share of the pie. We just have to wait and see if the old man left us any more crumbs. That is if there is anything left, after six months a year in Vegas for the last five years. Hey! Who’s to say we're not gonna go through all this crap only to find out that dear old Daddy didn't have a penny left?
2) Harrison "One Last Wish... Sure."
From Gone Fishin’ by Todd McGinnis Act 1 HARRISON (Laughs derisively, giving up.) "One last wish." Ha. Yeah. Sure. Fine. Why not? It's not like we haven't all spent our lives jumping through hoops for Dear Old Dad. So what's one more? [I mean]come on, Pete. Don't you get what all this "final wish" crap is really all about...? Isn't it obvious? This whole setup... it's a "control" thing. It's the old man trying to show us he's still in charge. No, no! Think about it: A man dies. He's a widower so he only has three sons to leave everything to anyway... But, before they can collect their inheritance, they have to go fishing for cryin' out loud. Why? When was the last time either of you went fishing? (He gets no answer.) [There! You see?] Exactly! And he always knew I hated fishing. And the only reason to make someone do something you know they'll hate is to prove that you still have power over them.
3) PETER’S "ANTI-CELL PHONE RANT" From GONE FISHIN’ by Todd McGinnis ACT 1 PETER [(Sneering, mimicking.)"I need to check my voice mail"] I don't believe it. It's four in the morning, we're in the middle of a lake miles from nowhere and I still can't get away from people with those friggin' phones.(Muttering.) "I need to check my voice-mail." I am getting so sick of hearing people say that. What is it with everybody these days and their stupid beepers and pagers and voice-mail and e-mail. You got somethin' to say? Wait until the next time you're in the room with the person and say it. [Of course, everyone always says they just "can’t afford to be out of touch that long."And] You know, I might buy that argument if we were talking about a world leader, or a surgeon, or even ---I don't know--- a volunteer fire-fighter who's on-call or something. But we're not. It's always some stupid, snotty teenager who just has to take a phone call in the middle of the movie at the movie theater. Or it's the stupid blonde bimbo who's always sitting ahead of you at the stoplight ---smacking her friggin' bubble-gum and twirling her hair or doing her make-up--- gossiping-away with some other airhead even though the bloody light's been green for almost a minute. OR... it's some idiot, nerd, moron who wants everyone to know he's got the latest annoying musical tune for his cell-phone playing it over and over again at the loudest volume possible while you're stuck waiting in line with him somewhere you have to be ---like a bank or a grocery store--- so you can't just leave and you can't even kill the stupid fart because there's too many witnesses!
GONE FISHIN’ by Todd McGinnis ACT 1 HARRISON Okay, okay. Fine. I'll tell you. I won't go into all the details because--- (Beat. Waiting impatiently.) Hey! Do you guys wanna know or don't you? (Beat.) Okay then. What I was going to say was, I can't go into details. They're confidential. But basically, I'm in a bit of a bind. My company's going to squeeze me out. It's not official yet but I know it's coming. One of the owners has been fast-tracking her own kid up through the ranks and the next stop is in my office. Only, there's no more room in my office so somebody's gonna have to get the chop and I'm pretty sure she's planning on giving the kid my desk. The other guys in my area are all either family members or have way more seniority than me, so it looks like it's gonna be me. Sure. [I could complain, but] it wouldn't do any good. That's not the way the world works. Basically, she hasn't done anything wrong yet ---that anybody can prove--- and by the time she does, well, I won't be around to complain. [But that] isn't the point [anyway]. I can look after myself. The trick is: knowing when to move on. You overstay your welcome somewhere and everybody'll know it forever after. They can smell it on you. It's like the... perfume of defeat. And once people smell it on you... you can't get arrested. So I'm looking to get out now, when I'm pretty much the only one who knows what's coming down the line and I'm still a whiz-kid so far as everyone else is concerned. I've got feelers out to a few other houses that have shown more than a little interest in my numbers over the years. A couple have already shown... more active interest, which is good. But the one I want, the big one I'm holding out for is still on the fence. They're waiting to see how a deal I've got going right now is gonna go down. It's the biggest one I've ever put together and there's a lot riding on it. If it goes down the way I think it's going to, I'll have my choice of top-floor corner-offices before the week's out and everybody's happy. Especially the woman who's looking to see me out the door, 'cause then she doesn't have to get her hands even a little dusty. ---That's also good 'cause she's a heavy player and much better to have on your side than against you. And as long as I get out soon enough, she'll be on my side.---So anyway... the long and short is, the deal's going down this weekend, it touches four continents and at last check it was a lock... which is the only reason I still agreed to come on this weekend. I wasn't supposed to hear another thing about it until the news breaks Monday morning that I'm a genius. No one concerned was supposed to call me for any reason. At all. Unless something was wrong. So when my phone rings and it's Rick Yohama, my guy in Tokyo, and he's in on the deal and the only words I can make out are "...getting KILLED", can you understand why I might be a little stressed-out here?
5) HARRISON "GETTING DIRECTIONS FROM A HICK" GONE FISHIN’ by Todd McGinnis ACT 1 HARRISON I got lost. (Beat.) Well I haven't been here in almost ten [years], have I? Besides... It looks different at night. [Stupid rental car didn’t have a map. And BEFORE YOU SAY IT: Yes! I DID ask for directions.] I stopped at a gas-station and asked directions from some young "Jethro". That's what you're supposed to do, right? That's what women always complain about isn't it? That men never ask directions? Well, I did. And you know what I found out? I found out that, with someone else's "help" it was possible to get even more lost than I already was! I spent forever driving around looking for the unmistakable landmarks of the "Henderson's big red barn" at which I was supposed to turn left, and "the Jacob's white picket fence", at which I was supposed to turn right. The only problem with these helpful travel tips were... that the Henderson's "big red barn" is actually nothing more than a pile of rocks overgrown with grass and weeds, and the Jacobs would seem to have disposed of their white picket fence some time ago! Apparently, people who live in the sticks only seem to know how to give directions in reference to landmarks that aren't there anymore! […Fortunately], I had a chance to discuss my little theory with young "Jethro", whose "directions" had just been oh-SO-helpful... when I arrived BACK at his gas-station an hour later because apparently I had just been driving around in circles the whole time. I was beginning to expect Rod Serling to step out from behind a hedge and welcome me to the Twilight Zone!
6) HARRISON "ON WOMEN AND ‘MOTHERING’" From GONE FISHIN' by Todd McGinnis ACT 1 HARRISON I'm not a freak. I just don't--- I don't like being treated like I'm four years old and not allowed to tie my own shoes or cross the street by myself. Sounds to me like she's just showing she cares about you. Oh yeah. Women are great at caring. Unfortunately, it's a very short trip from caring to mothering and most women just love to make that little journey as soon as they can. It's like... you've gone on three dates and all of a sudden they're fussing all over you, fixing stuff that doesn't need fixing just so they can send you the message. The message that it's a good thing they came along to take care of you because clearly there's all this stuff you don't know how to do. Oh, they make it look all cutesy and thoughtful when they straighten your tie ---even though it's already straight--- or fix your hair ---even though it looked just fine before--- but what they're really saying is: Look how much fixing up you need. It's a wonder you survived this long without them. That kind of help I don't need. I got enough of that crap from the old man. Look, I don't like people trying to control me, that's all. It's like Amy with her tie-straightening, or Dad always pushing me to join some stupid club or sports team. I hate being mothered, alright? I had a mother. She was nice ---even if she was a bit of a hippie-flake--- but I don't need to repeat the experience. Now you wanna fish? Let's fish.
MONOLOGUES FOR MEN: From "POINT OF VIEWING'" by Todd McGinnis
7) BRAD "YOU'RE KILLING ME, MYRON!" Opening Monologue Edited/Excerpted from Act 1 of "POINT OF VIEWING" by Todd McGinnis ACT 1 (Comedic) (Presented here complete with stage directions for clarity's sake.)
(Entering a tv studio at the start of the day.) Jeez-us! Welcome to the fridge. (He takes a swig of his coffee and calls out over the audience to the booth, as he crosses towards the table extreme down left.) Hey! Somebody up there wanna fire up some show-lights? It's colder than my ex-wife's lawyer in here. (Setting down his food, and clipboard he spends a moment looking around the table for something that seems to be missing.) ("SHOW" LIGHTS COME UP, replacing the harsh, overhead glare of the work-lights, with something a little more pleasant.) (Then, noticing that the stools from the interviews are still in place, he quickly sets about clearing them from the stage, calling out to someone in the booth at the back of the house as he does so.) (Crossing to clear the center-most stool) Hey! Anybody up there seen the ladies' sheets? (Crosses back left, gathering up the stage left stool as he goes. He pauses before exiting.) Hello...? (Sighs, exasperated.) ...Okay. Fine. Ignore me. (He exits left and reenters without the stools, crossing right to clear the remaining ne.) Hello? Anybody home? (Stops when he reaches center and planting his hands on his hips glares up at the booth.) Myron. I can see you hiding up there. Now, did you booth-guys scoop the ladies' sheets or what? (Beat.) "What?" What do you mean "what?" "What" you can't hear me? Or "what?" I can't hear you? (Beat. Then, cupping a hand behind one ear and yelling.) WHAT? (Listens for a moment, straining to hear and then gives up.) I can't read lips, Myron! (Beat.) NO! Don't give me the hand-behind-the-ear-thing you idiot. If you can't hear me it's 'cause you've got the house mic turned off! (Beat, then, to himself, waiting) C'mon, Myron. Figure it out. (Beat.) Oh for cryin' out--- (Fed up, Brad EXITS, clearing the stage right stool as he goes.) (Brad REENTERS a moment later putting on a set of Clear-com style headphones that cover both ears and hitting the "Call" button on his belt pack.) Earth to Myron! Earth to Myron! (Beat.) Ah! There you are. You know you'd find it a lot easier to hear me if you turned your mic on! (Beat.) Oh? Well, if it's on why didn't you answer me the first time, huh? (Beat.) No you didn't. (Beat.) No, you didn't. (Beat.) No you didn't! (Beat.) Oh. You did. Well then, you forgot to turn on the house speakers, 'cause I didn't hear you. (Beat.) No... it's because you didn't have the speakers on. (Beat.) No you didn't. (Beat.) No you didn't. (Beat.) No you didn't! (Beat.) Well, are you using them now? (Beat.) Well, try them. Say something. (Beat.) No wait! Hang on! (Beat.) ...Because I can't tell if I'm listening to you in the house or on the headset, that's why. (Uncovers one ear to be sure whether or not the voice he's hearing is audible on the house speakers.) Okay, go ahead. (Listens, nothing.) Go ahead... (Listens, nothing. Puts headset back on.) Ummmm, Myron? Did you put it up to full volume? (Beat.) You did, huh? Oh. Well. That's not good. (Beat.) Because I didn't hear anything that's why. (Starts looking around and appears to discover the problem's source somewhere high overhead.) Uh... Myron? I think I found the problem. (Beat.) Uh... No, no... I'm sure the speakers are plugged in... (Beat.) The problem is they're not plugged in here. (Beat.) They're gone. (Beat.) What do you mean "what do I mean gone"? They're gone! Gone, as in "not here anymore". (Beat.) "Uh-oh"? What do you mean "Uh-oh"? Uh-oh doesn't sound good, my friend. "Uh-oh" actually scares the crap out of me, to be honest. (Beat.)You "forgot who took them"? You knew about this? (Beat.) How could you lend them to Prescott? What were you thinking? We need them here! In case you haven't noticed we're setting up for a live television broadcast here, Myron. I'm pretty sure the director's going to want the freedom to communicate with the studio directly during rehearsal and you're telling me you just loaned out the speakers that enable him to do that. (Beat.) Oh... You rented them, huh? (Crossing his arms, with exaggerated patience.) And just how much did you "rent" them for? (Beat.) Great. So you've got beer money for the weekend and we have no speakers in the studio. Are we renting anything else today, Myron? (Beat.) We are? What? (Beat.) The teleprompter!?! Oh GOD! You're killing me, here! (Brad heaves a heavy sigh and heads for the chair closest to center.) (Resigned, without any real venom.) You're a cheap man, Myron. A cheap, cheap, rotten little man. (Beat.) (Annoyed.) I know we weren't supposed to be here today. I'm also pretty sure the guys in post-production weren't supposed to destroy POV's Tenth Anniversary special less than twenty-four hours before it was supposed to air either. But there you go. (Beat, thinking.) Can we get any of this stuff back in time for tonight? (Beat.) Of course, not. (Brad drops into the chair with a heavy, defeated sigh.)
Well, I guess we'll have to make do... (with a pointed look at the booth) won't we? Nigel's just going to have to relay everything he wants to say through me. (Beat.) (Laughing derisively, Brad gets up, and over this next section, crosses down to retrieve his coffee and doughnut.)
Oh no, my friend. You get to tell him that joyous little bit of news. (Beat.) No. I won't rat to Nigel about your little side-rental business. I'll be very Sgt. Schultz about the whole thing. (Impersonating John Banner's character from the 60's tv series "Hogan's Heroes".) "I'll see nothing. I'll hear nothing. I'll. Know. NUH-THING."
Monologues From... "THUNDERBOLTS AND DUNDERHEADS'" by Todd McGinnis
8) ERRONYUS MISCELLANEOUS INTRODUCES HIMSELF (Edited and excerpted) From Act 1 of "THUNDERBOLTS AND DUNDERHEADS" by Todd McGinnis (Comedic.) ERRONYUS
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